1. Thou shalt not double park if thou can find somewhere to triple park instead.
2. Thou shalt not, never, ever stop to let anyone out of a side road in front of thee, unless thou fancy them a lot.
3. Thou shalt always leave rosary beads dangling distractingly off thine rear view mirror to ensure divine protection of all thine passeners. A mini Palermo football shirt may be hung alongside the rosary beads but may not replace them.
4. Thou shalt always put on thine hazard lights if thy should decide to park in the middle of a busy crossroads, on a level crossing, or in any other place which is insanely dangerous; that way all the other folks will think thine car hast broken down. Tee hee!
5. Thou shalt not repair damage to thine bodywork, as the quantity of dents serves as a warning, and a yardstick for other drivers to assess how likely you are to crash into them.
6. If thine headlights don’t work, thou shalt let other drivers know thou art coming by turning thine stereo up really loud. So loud that thine windows vibrate and stray cats piss themselves.
7. Thou shalt always have right of way and priority in all situations if thou drivest a BMW, Porsche, Ferrari or any other really expensive car, since filthy rich motorists all over the world are always more important than everyone else.
8. When thou seest a friend coming the other way, thou shalt stop alongside them for a long chat out of thine car windows, thus blocking all the traffic in both directions till the gigantic tailback causes a crash at the level crossing around the block. Then when thou turnest round the corner, thou shalt moan louder than everyone else about being held up.
9. Thou shalt always park diagonally across the pavement, blocking the exit to the school when thou goest to pick up thine offspring, if some other genius hath not already done so.
10. Thou shalt always have at least one bumper sticker with a picture of Baby Jesus being the light of the world or, alternatively, a photo of Pope Francis and the legend “I heart Pope Francis,” stuck on thine windscreen where the tax disc ought to be displayed.
Veronica Di Grigoli is an author and translator and blogs about Sicily at The Dangerously Truthful Diary of a Sicilian Housewife. Her new comedy novel of the same name is now available on Amazon.
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